who am i without it?
by softiesharpie
Summary: Ava had always prided herself on her self control, her ability to put her emotions in the backseat and solve a problem, the structure she kept in her life, and the job that she’d always been able to fall back on whenever she was anxious or needed a break from her thoughts. Her job was always there.


Ava said down on Sara's... their... bed with a quiet sigh.

She'd never expected to feel this... empty after they defeated Neron. It was something they had been working towards for months and they finally got rid of him for good. So, why did everything feel so wrong? The Time Bureau was now down and the Legends were the world's only defense against magical or otherwise inhuman creatures. Everything had worked out as planned, Nate was revived and they were now all safe on the Waverider.

It had been two months ago when Neron was defeated by them. In those two months, Ava had fully moved in with Sara on the Waverider, since she didn't have a job anymore that meant she didn't have an income, and hasn't been any magical fugitives or villains for them to fight since then. The Legends had mostly been celebrating, why shouldn't they? They saved all of time and managed to do it with the power of love and friendship.

Ava could hear the faint sound of the Legends drinking and partying in the galley, still overjoyed at their latest victory. Ava couldn't bring herself to go. Whenever she thought about what happened, about the fact that the Bureau was gone, the thing Ava had spent all of her life, literally, working herself up to the top in, it filled her with so much sadness and conflicting emotions.

Everything was different and Ava felt selfish for feeling angry and conflicted about it. She had wanted to move in with Sara for so long and become closer to the Legends. Now that she had it, she felt like something was missing.

Ava leaned back against the headboard of the bed and pulled her knees close against her chest, staring at the wall blankly. She hadn't felt like this in awhile, and she realized that the last time she felt this was when they found out her origins in 2213. She had felt so hopeless, so out of control and unsure. Ava had always prided herself on her self control, her ability to put her emotions in the backseat and solve a problem, the structure she kept in her life, and the job that she'd always been able to fall back on whenever she was anxious or needed a break from her thoughts. Her job was always there.

She, again, felt selfish for thinking these things. Sara was there. Sara has always been there for Ava, had always been her shoulder to cry on when she needed it. Ava felt selfish for... regretting? No, that wasn't the right word. She didn't regret helping the Legends defeat Neron and she didn't regret anything that had to do with her and Sara's relationship. She just felt so unsure of herself.

She didn't know what to do, she realized.

Maybe that was why she felt so lost, felt like she'd just lost every part of her life that kept her sane, the part that stopped her from doing exactly what she was doing in that moment; contemplating her existence.

At first, she didn't know what to feel about the Bureau after she found out that she was a clone that Rip stole from the future and programmed fake memories into— that thought still made her tense with disgust when she took into account that every first in her life; her first kiss, her first relationship, her first breakup, her first time... was all chosen and created by Rip— and that she didn't truly have a purpose outside of working at the Bureau.

But, admittedly, as time went by she started finding comfort in that, comfort in the fact that she had that stability to fall back on, that she was doing what she was doing what she was meant to do. It hurt thinking that she wasn't very old when she met Sara, that all of her memories of working herself up at the Bureau before meeting the Legends were the previous AVA's memories and not hers.

She'd somewhat come to terms with that part, that her memories of her first five years at the Bureau weren't all hers, because at least they were real. At least they weren't chosen and made for her, at least she'd, in a way, experienced those memories.

Ava shook her head, feeling her thoughts start to spiral out of control and her heart rate start to speed up.

She felt so selfish for feeling this way. She knew how happy the Legends were about their victories, and Ava hated that she couldn't bring herself to feel the same.

What was she without the Bureau?

She pondered that. Without the Bureau, she never would've been taken by Rip and she never would've met Sara. Again, she would never regret anything that pertained to their relationship, except maybe the fact that she didn't treat the Legends as nicely as she should've when they first met. Without the Bureau... she'd be like all the other AVAS: mindless without any real emotions or free will. She shivered in discomfort at the thought of being like all the other clones she'd seen in 2213. She remembered the cold look in one of their eyes as the clone pointed the gun at Ava. She couldn't imagine being like that.

Another layer of guilt pilled on her at that. Here she was, having complete free will and genuine, real emotions, complaining about not having the one thing she was programmed against her will to do.

She chuckled bitterly, not noticing the tears that were starting to make their way done her cheeks.

Without her job, she was just like the other clones. At least with the Bureau, she was being more than one thing, she was more than one thing. Yes, she was the Director of the Time Bureau, but she was also Sara's girlfriend. And... she was okay with that. More than okay with that. But now, now that the only thing she was was Sara's girlfriend, she felt unsettled and uneasy.

She couldn't help but think back to her Purgatory. She remembered the 'Sexy AVA' boxes she'd seen and wondered, what made her any different than them? They, like her, lived with their partners. They didn't have a job, they just had their partners, just like her. They didn't have a life outside of their partners, just like her.

Before the Legends, she'd never really thought twice about her not having much of a life outside of the Bureau. She had a few hobbies, but the Bureau was where she was most of the day. She didn't have any friends, just Gary who she hadn't considered as a friend back then. Her job was everything to her and that didn't bother her until she met the Legends. She remembered seeing them so comfortable and at home with each other and feeling so envious, that she didn't have that. That she didn't have many connections, that her life revolved around her job, that she didn't let anyone in enough for them to want to be her friend.

She'd been so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize that someone else had come into the room. She blinked, wiping away her tears as she watched Sara look at her with curiosity.

"Aves?" Sara looked confused, closing the door behind her and walking further into the room.

Ava sniffed, "Sara, um, how's the party going?" She asked quietly.

Sara frowned, "it's missing someone important," she said, "what's wrong, Aves? Did something happen?"

Ava chuckled tearfully and said, "no, that's the thing. Nothing's happened. For two months! For two months I've been here at the Waverider doing nothing! I don't have a job, I barely have any money! I don't have my house anymore! I don't have anything to do except for being your girlfriend!" By the time she finished, her voice was bordering on shouting.

Sara faltered, "so that's what this is about? We can find you another job, Aves. I just... I thought you'd be happy to be a Legend." She said, getting closer to Ava but staying far enough away to give her girlfriend space.

Ava sniffed. "I was... at first. I liked... I like getting closer to your team and I love spending time with you. It's just... fuck, what do I do now? I can't do anything outside of the Bureau."

Frowning, Sara said, "you can do a lot of things. What's brought this up?"

"I was thinking... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I was programmed for the Bureau. It's all I know how to do. It's what I've been doing ever since I was... activated," the word leaves a bitter taste in Ava's mouth, "I don't know what to do without it. The Bureau has always been there... I've spent the majority of my life there. And now it's gone... and everything's changed so fast, I don't have anything I used to and I don't... I don't have any control... I don't have a steady income, or a house, or my job, I don't have anything. All I have is... is being your girlfriend. And I'm not saying that I don't like dating you because you know I do. But... I can't just be this. I can't just be your girlfriend. Because if I do... I'm not any different than the clones."

Sara thought for a moment before she leaned against the bed, waiting for Ava's nod of consent, before sitting down next to her and gently taking your hand. "I get where you're coming from. But... you'll never be like those clones, Ava. Never. They don't have what you have; emotions. Out of all of them... you're the only one with real emotions and you did that all by yourself." She squeezed Ava's hand.

Ava nodded. "I know. But I just can't help but feel like I don't have a purpose now that the Bureau is gone. All I am is your girlfriend and... I'm sure you saw the Sexy AVAs in my Purgatory and... I feel like I'm no different than them now." She could barely get out the final words, her silent tears turning into soft, yet erratic sobs.

Sara let go of Ava's hand only to wrap her arm around her, letting her lean against her. They had to adjust slightly, because of their height difference, but they soon found a comfortable position with Ava laying against Sara with her head on her chest, Sara's fingers stroking through her hair.

"You're nothing like them, Aves. Yes, they were only there to be someone's..." Sara trailed off, not knowing how to finish that. "But, that's not you. You weren't... you weren't created to be my girlfriend. You weren't programmed for it... your feelings weren't programmed... they're all yours. You're so complex, baby. You know that, right? You're so much more than just my girlfriend."

Ava nodded and sniffed, staying quiet for a few minutes to process what Sara had told her. "I feel so selfish. I shouldn't be feeling this way, I should be happy that Neron is gone and that you and I have more time together." She whispered.

Sara nodded, she understood that. She'd, more than a handful of times, felt guilty for feeling a certain way about something. Or for not feeling how she 'should' feel. It was the worst feeling, feeling guilty for feeling but not being able to stop feeling that way, which would just intensify the guilt. It was a hopeless, emotionally draining cycle that Sara wanted to help Ava get out of.

"There's nothing wrong with feeling lost, Aves. God knows I've felt my fair share of that. It's understandable that you feel unsure of things now... of yourself. And... I can't promise that things will get better immediately or that these feelings will go away. But, I can promise you that this will get better. We'll figure it out. We can help you find a job and help you through this... you aren't alone, Aves."

Ava smiled, "we?"

Sara cracked a smile and nodded, "yeah. You know the team loves you... they'd understand even if you don't tell them the full extent of it."

Ava put her arm around Sara, holding her as closely as she could. "It just feels like this feeling will never go away." She whispered, finding comfort in the steady rhythm of Sara's heartbeat under her ear. "This... heaviness in my chest. I feel so empty. And... insignificant."

Sara nodded and kissed Ava's head, "I know, baby. But... you've already done the best thing you can do when you feel like this; tell someone. I'm so glad you told me... I'm just sorry I didn't notice it sooner. I thought that something was off but... I thought maybe it was just the new adjustment to living on the ship. I didn't know it was... I just didn't know." Sara tried to stay strong, it wouldn't help anything if she started crying too. But, she couldn't help but feel guilty for not noticing this shift with her girlfriend sooner.

"It's not your fault... I should've told you sooner." Ava said, frowning and looking down.

Sara shook her head. "You told me when you were ready to and that's what matters, Aves. Not the 'should've's and the 'what if's'. I know now and I'll help you get through this... the team will too if you let them."

Ava sighed, was she ready to let the team see her like this? "I'll think about it." She settled on and looked up at Sara. "You can go back out there to the team... I'll be okay."

Sara looked at her disbelievingly. "What? And miss the chance to binge-watch romcoms with you in bed? No thank you." She smiled, reaching over and grabbing the TV remote from the nightstand to turn on the TV before handing it to Ava.

"Gideon, tell the team not to bother us for the rest of the night." Sara said, looking at the ceiling, she never knew what to look at when talking to Gideon.

"Yes, Captain. Would you like me to dim the lights as well?"

Sara smiled, "sure why not?"

The lights in the room dimmed as Ava picked a movie for them to watch.

Sara settled on them talking about Ava's crisis in the morning, the taller blonde already looked like she was about to fall asleep from having cried for so long.

Things weren't okay, both of them knew that. But, they would figure it out, they always did.


End file.
